


i'm worried about Lena

by HisParadiseLost



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Depression, F/F, Lena Luthor Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reconciliation, Suicidal Thoughts, trigger warnings for
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25045603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HisParadiseLost/pseuds/HisParadiseLost
Summary: Lena Luthor is tired of living. She has nothing. No one. So what, really, was the point in living?Second chapter will have Lena and Kara's reconciliation and what that looks like.-Please don't read if you're not In a good headspace. Trigger warnings for depression, anxiety, ptsd, and alcoholism.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 5
Kudos: 95





	i'm worried about Lena

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, please look at the tags. This first chapter is nothing but angst. 
> 
> *Disclaimer: I've seen like 3 clip of season 5, nothing else so sorry if it's not accurate. Also, I'm not a psychologist by any means*
> 
> Take a sip of water every time Lena says she's fine. I promise you'll be hydrated by the end.

Lena’s whole world fell apart in that bunker.

Lena prided herself for finally finding a family she could trust. A family she built all by herself, handpicked by her because she’d trust them with her life. She never thought it possible with all the betrayals she faced, but, by some miracle, she found them.

Kara Danvers became a beacon in Lena’s dark life. Like a moth drawn to a flame, she couldn’t help but let the perky reporter in. Kara didn’t need her inhuman strength to tear Lena’s walls down. All she needed was her kind words and bright smile. Slowly - brick by brick - Lena let her in.

It started off slow. Unrestricted access to her office. Exclusive interviews Lena wouldn’t dare to give others. An office full of flowers. Then it became lunch dates and game nights and Lena seemed to fully understand what it meant to have a best friend. Not someone who was her employee being her friend out of proximity but someone who became her friend because they honestly enjoyed her company.

Of course, with game nights, Lena met Alex and James and J’onn and Nia and Brainy. While she may have formed friendships of all different levels with them, nothing came close to her tight bond with Kara. Every Friday, without a doubt, Lena always made it to game night. It became a safe place for her - a place where she didn’t have to be Lena Luthor, CEO of a Fortune 500 company. She might have kept her guard up, but she was able to relax and enjoy the night.

Lena should’ve known her happiness was about to be snatched from right under her the moment Lex messaged her.

Lex Luthor was a brilliant brother growing up. He always kept an eye on Lena and he would teach her everything he knew. Lex made sure she made the right types of friends and he even helped Lena get over her mother’s death. She never made the connection that the whole time, Lex was manipulating her and conditioning her to be his obedient partner. No. She simply thought that was what a big brother was supposed to do. After all, he kept Lillian from berating her and he promised he’d build them a safe place away from the Luthor parents. How was she supposed to know that, at the ripe old age of 4, Lex didn’t actually love her? He just loved the idea of having someone as smart as him to help him become a successful man.

She knew she should’ve gone to Kara for help when Lex wanted her help. But what was the reporter supposed to do against Lex Luthor? Lex kidnapped and tortured James because he had a close relationship with Superman. Lena didn’t dare to think of what he’d do to Kara if she became involved. So, like a good Luthor, Lena decided to confront her brother on her own and play it like a game of chess. She could lose all the pawns and knights and rooks she needed as long as Lex stayed away from her Queen.

As fate would have it, Kara did become involved. But not in the way Lena ever thought she would.

“Lena. What a surprise.” Lex was breathing heavily from his recent battle with Supergirl.

“What can I say, Lex? You’ve become predictable.”

Lena first beat Lex at chess when she was shy of five years old. He claimed it was nothing but a fluke. However, when she beat him multiple times in a row, he had to begrudgingly accept defeat. See, Lex knew all the patterns. Fool’s mate, forks, pins, skewers. He depended on that knowledge to beat people. He thought knowing different strategies would make him victorious every time. Lena learned his pattern quickly and started working countermeasures slowly with different rounds. She had learned how to read him and he never noticed. That was something that seemingly didn’t change into adulthood.

“It just comes down to this, sis. You can only count on blood.” He was still on his knees, panting to try and catch his breath. “Come on, give me a hand.” He extended his hand towards his sister.

Instead of grabbing it, Lena pulled a pistol from her pocket and pointed it at him.

“Come on, Lena. This is no time for theatrics.” Lex didn’t have a trace of fear on his face. Only tired exasperation. “We both know, no matter how much you despise me, you’re not ruthless enough to pull that trigger.”

It was just Lex and Lena now. King on king. Lex’s queen - Red Daughter - had been toppled. Lena’s queen too far from the playing board. Lena moved her king forward, shooting her brother in the chest. Twice for good measure. This was checkmate.

“The world will never be a safe place with you in it.” Lena’s voice shook as she spoke.

Lex looked up to his younger sister with a mixture of shock and pride. “Oh, brava. You did it, Lena.” He grasped at his bleeding chest and raised his palm to her. “You killed me! You finally proved that I’ve been underestimating you all this time.” He dragged his body onto a chair. “But when I’m gone, who will be left to be proud of you? What? Your friends? The joke’s on you. It’s  _ always _ been on  **you** .” Lena watched as he reached for a controller on the table. “Your friends have been lying to you from the start.”

The screen showed armed men - Mercy’s mercenaries - shooting at Kara. Lena had been occupied pushing herself and Eve out of the way, she never put too much thought on how the trained gunman didn’t land a single bullet on her. Kara grabbed the bullets that were being shot towards her with no problem. Lex was still talking, Lena was vaguely aware of that, but she could only gawk at the screen in disbelief.

“They  _ mocked _ you.  _ Humiliated _ you.  **Betrayed** you. Every. Last. One. Denial is a very powerful thing, isn’t it? It’s been standing right in front of you all this time. And you  _ chose _ not to see it. Kara Danvers  _ is _ Supergirl. I’m about to die. But at least I lived without ever being a fool. You’re left with no one. And  _ nothing _ .” She watched as the light left his eyes.

Lena may have toppled Lex’s king, but as he was falling, his piece took hers out from right under her feet.

Kara Danvers is Supergirl.

But that couldn’t be because Kara was all sunshine and warmth and she was someone Lena trusted, someone she actually lo-

But she was. She was the same exact Supergirl who couldn’t trust Lena with Kryptonite, who used James against her, who said Lena couldn’t be trusted with her true identity. They were one and the same.

Sure, Lena could chalk it up to an elaborate manipulative move on her brother’s part, but she knew it wasn’t. She knew deep down to her core that Lex was right. Denial was a powerful thing.

She hadn’t even realized she was crying. Lena’s hands shook, the weight of the gun becoming almost unbearable. She placed it on the table and peered into Lex’s dead eyes. A cold void reflected back at her. She sunk to the floor next to him.

Kara Danvers is Supergirl.

Lena really was a fool. She thought back to every single interaction they’d ever have. Was all that a lie? Was Kara using her friendship to spy on Lena? To keep an eye on her in case she ever stepped out of line? Alex knew. Alex knew Kara was Supergirl yet just the other week acted as if the alien was a menace to society. Was that all a ploy? James knew. James knew the whole time and still went behind her back. So was it all just a ruse? Were they all using her?

What on Earth was she thinking letting people in like that? Nia had just recently joined the friend group and she was trusted with the big secret. Lena bared her heart to Kara, over and over again, unapologetically herself when it was just the two of them for what? For Kara to get a laugh out of it and use it against her as Supergirl? Lena just killed Lex for Kara because -

Lena just killed Lex. Lex Luthor, her own flesh and blood. She pushed herself away from the dead body. She murdered him for Kara. For someone who had been lying to her for years. It’s not that Lena hadn’t killed before - Corben and Jack were unfortunate examples - but this was the first time she’s planned to murder someone. She specifically sought out Lex with a loaded weapon and used it on it. She purposely ended his life.

Yes, Lex had sent assassins after her before, but it was only to keep her on her toes. Lex never  _ actually _ meant to kill his own sister, she thought. She wasn’t sure how to feel knowing that the only time he was truly proud of her was when she shot him with the intent to kill.

She was going to be sick.

Lena scrambled to a container and threw up in it. Reign was right. She was so much darker than she realized. She truly was a Luthor. Lex was wrong - Lena didn’t fall into the light. She was always on the cusp. A shadow in the light was more appropriate. But now, she fell in the darkness.

Her phone buzzed. Kara had texted her reminding her that game night was being hosted at J’onn’s. She threw up again.

With her throat burning and tears stinging her eyes, Lena detached the portal transmitter from her dead brother’s arm and attached it to her own.

“I hate you, Lex,” she sobbed. “You’re such a monster.” She stared at the lifeless body until her head started to spin. “I’m so sorry, brother. But it needed to be done.” She bent down and kissed his cheek, just as she used to do when they were younger. She activated the portal and stepped through it. No one would ever find Lex. No one would even bother searching for his body since it was assumed he died battling Supergirl. No one would ever know it was her who dealt the final blow.

The first thing Lena did was shower. She stripped her clothes and threw them in a bag so she could burn them. Just as her skin was burning under the intense heat of the shower. She sat in the shower crying her heart out and soon the stinging heat of the water became a comfortable throbbing pain. Her skin was an angry red but she couldn’t find herself to care about it. She couldn’t find herself to care about anything.

But she had to go to game night. She had to have some sense of normalcy, even if it was for one night. She separated Kara and Supergirl and put them into two boxes and shoved them far apart from each other. She wouldn’t think about the betrayal. She wouldn’t think about how the family she thought she made for herself was anything but. Just one more night. That was all she needed.

-

Days and weeks passed as she schemed. She was so humiliated and in so much pain, she just wanted Kara to feel a fraction of what Lena felt. But of course that, too, backfired.

Lena was over it. She had no friends, no family. No reason to keep on fighting. What was the point in living any way? Lena couldn’t redeem the Luthor name. No one would care if she disappeared. She had schematics for all of the possible gadgets that could help Supergirl. They didn’t actually need her if they had her detailed notes.

She downed the rest of her glass. Lena didn’t believe suicide was an answer. She used to look down on people who would consider taking their own lives. But then again she had never been at such a low point as she had been then. A bullet to the brain. Perhaps a poison in her drink. Something quick and painless.

The ground shook. Lena had lived in National City for some time now but she never felt an earthquake that powerful before. Maybe Supergirl was out there fighting a powerful opponent. Alex would probably show up and beg for the scientist’s help despite everything. They did only seem to talk to her when they needed something.

Lena refilled her glass.

Within an hour, Alex did come asking for help. Though, it wasn’t necessarily Supergirl in trouble. It was the whole multiverse.

As Lena was guiding people to safety, the sky started to turn red. People were desperately trying to run as fast as they could to a spaceship to avoid death. To avoid the end of the world. Lena simply took out her flask and sat on a nearby bench. She didn’t want to live so she wouldn’t take up a spot that could be someone else’s. She took a large swig and watched in the distance as buildings started to evaporate.

“We’re going to die, aren’t we?” A small voice asked. Lena turned her head. A boy, around six or seven if she had to guess, was clenching a blanket tight to his chest. “I don’t want to die alone. My mommy and daddy left me behind.” Lena could feel the heat now. The spaceships were hurrying off the planet.

“What’s your name?”

“Alexander Jackson.”

“Come here, Alex.” The Earth started to crack. “You won’t die alone. My name is Lena Luthor. It’s going to be okay, okay? Just think happy thoughts.”

The little kid climbed into her lap and hugged her tightly. He started to cry as the anti-wave closed in. Lena kissed the top of the boy’s head. “It’s going to be okay, Lex. I’ve got you.” The earth cracked in two and a raging heat covered the planet, incinerating everything in its wake.

She took her last breath and smiled at knowing she wouldn’t have to feel the pain anymore.

-

The last thing Lena was expecting was to wake up.

“Hey there, sleepyhead.” Lex poured a glass of champagne. “I fried a couple of eggs for you.”

Lena sat up and blinked, looking at her surroundings. Her brother that she shot and killed was casually standing off to the side.

“This can’t be real. You’re dead!” She wasn’t creative enough to dream about killing Lex. No. She remembered the weight of the gun in her hand as she pulled the trigger. The weight of the guilt and betrayal of what he exposed to her dragging her into the darkness.

Lex was unbothered by that fact. “So. You remember everything.”

“Of course I remember! I killed you!”

She killed him and nearly took her life as a result. Lex’s dead eyes plagued her nightmares for weeks, his words echoing in her mind as she sat alone in her apartment. But at least I lived without ever being a fool. _You’re left with no one. And_ _nothing._ She had a clear chessboard. Her pawns and knights and rooks and even her treasured queen swept off. All that lay was a fallen king. _You’re left with no one. And nothing_.

“Yes, that’s right. You killed me. But that is all in the past. Because I’m back now and - I forgive you.” He was smiling down on her as if that were the best news to receive. He was ecstatic to be alive again whereas Lena would have rather stayed dead.

“What are you talking about? What is happening?”

“Well, there was this sort of … crisis.”

“The.. anti matter wave. I built a portal, but the waves still came.”

She remembered sitting on a park bench, a little boy cradled in her lap scared to die alone. He was abandoned by his parents. She wondered if he was alive somewhere, here. If his parents made it out and felt guilty they left a child behind. If they even cared.

“Yes. Billions of lives were lost and the multiverse was lost and it was all very interesting. What matters now is that a very powerful person brought me back to life. To help. But I refused to do so unless he promised that you’d make it out of everything okay. And you have. With your noggin intact.”

Of course. Lex had to torture Lena as long as he could. Was this her punishment for taking his life? For attacking Supergirl?

“You gambled the fate of the entire multiverse to get your own way.” Most people would’ve been honored to have their sibling save them like that. But Lena knew Lex had an underlying goal. He was always scheming and it appeared he had brand new pieces on his board now. Gods, Lena was tired of this.

Lex’s smile got bigger. “It gets better. In this new world, we work side by side at Luthor Corp and the DEO to make the world a better place.”

Luthor Corp. Lena worked her ass off for  _ years _ to rebrand Luthor Corp. She put all the hours she had to give into it. She put blood, sweat, and tears into it. She stayed after countless attacks on her life because she knew she was doing the right thing. She fought so hard and for so long to be accepted by everyone, for what? For it to be snatched away from her just as things were falling into place? For Lex to take away all her hard work no one would even remember?

“So I’m in hell,” she decided. 

“No, no. You’re in a new reality. To the outside world, we’re billionaire philanthropists. It’s the perfect cover,” he chirped. 

Lena crossed her arms and turned her head away. “I want nothing to do with you.”

“Oh, yes. You want to fix humanity with your project Non Nocere. Using Myriad to broadcast the q-waves - that was smart. But you should’ve known that the moment you decided to steal from a Kryptonian, the Non Nocere was doomed. Kara Danvers will never see things your way. She’ll always work against you.”

How could she forget the most bothersome thing yet? Supergirl is Kara Danvers. Not even the anti-matter could take away the pain of that betrayal.

“Right. So you’ll be my friend now?”

Lex shrugged. “The world is ours now, Lena. You don’t need a robot. And you don’t need friends. You need a partner. Imagine what we could accomplish together. Why not give it a go?

“You think that this is your world now.” Lena raised her eyebrows at her brother. “You were a puppet on a string for Leviathan before. What makes this time any different?”

“What the hell is Leviathan?”

He was used by someone and he didn’t even know it. She was going to have to explain it to him. How ironic.

-

Lena should’ve rejected Lex’s offer and joined the circus since she was such a clown.

Lena went to a therapist she trusted on Earth-38. She was reluctant to go but Sam had urged her to at least go once.

(Sam knew nothing of the old Earth but she insisted Lena explain what their relationship was like. They compared notes on what was the same and what was different. The Reign fiasco had gone down differently on Earth-Prime and if it wasn’t for Lena, Lex would’ve killed Sam where she stood. Prime Sam was similar to her Sam, but it felt  _ different _ . They were practically strangers and it made Lena’s skin crawl for an odd reason)

Anyway, the therapist diagnosed Lena with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. She said that Lena had “concerning suicidal tendencies” and was living an “unhealthy life in solitude”. She even said that Lena was “borderline alcoholic.” She refused to go back after that.

So what Lena didn’t care about her life anymore? Once Non Nocere was complete, she could escape the pain. She would still be alive, not dead, so she didn’t see how that counted as a suicidal tendency. And so what Lena couldn’t handle bright lights because it reminded her of the anti-matter wave, gunshots because of how she killed her brother, unsuspected loud noises because it reminded her of Lex when he was in a bad mood, sudden movements because-

Okay, maybe the shrink had a point with PTSD. She was fine though. She didn’t need “treatment”. If Lena was having a hard day, she’d pour herself a couple of glasses of whiskey and she’d be okay. And if that so happened to be almost every other day of the week, well, no one had to know.

Lena was fine.

Lena Luthor was CFO of Luthor Corp. Despite being furious with her brother, she still showed up to work and did her job. There was no Jess the secretary or Kara bringing bags of food, but that didn’t matter. She performed excellently at her job and ate when she felt like it.

(She threw away every magazine that had pictures of her thinning. The one with the headline  _ ‘New diet or is the Youngest Luthor Anorexic?’ _ was incinerated in her lab)

Lex and Lena publicly co-ran the DEO but she refused to step foot in the building. It was torturing enough seeing pictures of Supergirl everywhere, she couldn’t handle seeing the real deal.

If she wasn’t at Luthor Corp, Lena took to the lab. She was used to having Hope around to bounce ideas off of that she didn’t notice she talked to herself. It would be full-on conversations until she realized she was utterly, completely alone. She’d then continue talking to ignore that fact. Employees found it odd that Lena Luthor would whisper to herself constantly throughout the day but they never dared bring it up. Lex was ruthless and brutally overprotective of his sister. It didn’t matter if they were looking after her wellbeing, he allowed no one to talk about her.

Lena was fine.

She fell into a routine. Work. Lab. Drink. Sleep. She needed the routine to ground her. Without it, she would spiral down a hole that even Lex would notice. And if he noticed her issues, he’d only make it worse. So, Lena was fine. She had no friends. That was normal. She avoided coffee shops after seeing Nia one time, but that was okay. She’d rather make tea anyway. She refused to eat Chinese food, but that was okay. She’d rather Mexican, or Italian, or Japanese, or anything else. She would lock herself away on Friday nights and cry herself to sleep. But that was fine, too. Crying was a natural stress reliever.

Lena Luthor was completely alone except for the occasional visit from her brother in her lab. But that was fine, she was fine. There was nothing wrong with her. And if she was slowly giving up on making Non Nocere work, Lex didn’t have to know. If she was contemplating every morning if that were the day she’d step in front of oncoming traffic, no one had to know.

She didn’t tell anyone about the time she “accidentally” took too many pills and ended up in the hospital. It was fine, really. The new Earth had thrown her off her game, nothing more. She was okay. She was not suicidal. It was a miscalculation. So what she was disappointed she woke up? It was only because of a meeting she had to attend to. Not because she was tired of living.

Lena Luthor was okay and no one had proof otherwise. So, she continued to drift - a passenger in her own life.

-

Lena stood watching over Supergirl’s body.

It was a miracle Kara heard her out in the first place. She was so tired of being alone, so tired of being used, she finally reached out for help. Lena could handle Kara’s standoffish attitude, she could handle being yelled at if need be, she could handle the insults. As long as they worked together to bring down Leviathan and Lex, Lena could handle anything.

A noise caught her attention.

“Andrea!” Leviathan really was desperate, weren’t they? “The medallion. You’ve been activated.”

“If I don’t kill Supergirl, they’ll kill my father.”

“Killing for them, going down this path, it won’t keep him safe,” Lena pleaded once she saw the kryptonite in Andrea’s hand.

“How do you know?”

“They’re monsters, Andrea. They’ll dangle him in front of your face any time they need you. You can’t escape it. If you choose to go down this path, I will follow you. Remember that promise we made all those years ago? You jump, I jump? I’ve been in the dark completely and utterly alone, and it’s nothing but pain.” Andrea stepped closer, the dagger made of Kryptonite digging into Lena’s chin. It may have been a weapon for the alien, but she knew it could just as well kill her, too. “But Supergirl is off-limits.”

The taller woman’s arm trembled. “He’s my father, Lena. He’s all I’ve got left.”

“You’ve got me,” Lena pleaded. She knew it was a long shot. Their relationship wasn’t perfect and they weren’t exactly on good terms (she actually wasn’t sure where their footing was on this Earth), but she had to try. She needed to buy Kara more time.

Andrea’s knees started to buckle so Lena caught her. She hugged the woman tightly - the first physical contact she’d had in about a year - and hoped it was enough to stop her mission.

“I’m so, so sorry, Lena,” Andrea sobbed. She held Lena’s hug for a second longer before stabbing the sharpened Kryptonite in her gut. “He’s my father.”

Andrea shuffled away and stared at the weapon in her hand with teary eyes. Lena stood, in shock, watching as blood started to pour out of her. “You stabbed me,” she whispered in disbelief. “Y-You stabbed me.”

“I have to complete my mission.” The woman walked towards Supergirl, in a trance, the bloodied rock gripped tightly in her right hand.

“No, no. Stay away from her.” Lena stumbled over to Kara, her vision spinning. “‘Drea, stay away from her.”

Andrea stood over Supergirl’s body. As Lena got closer, she could see the way the Kryptonite seared Kara’s veins. Andrea raised the dagger. Lena pushed through the pain and collapsed on top of her former best friend. It didn’t matter how much they were at odds, how much unresolved things they had to talk about, how much Kara hurt her. Lena would still die for her.

The Kryptonite went right through her shoulder blade. If she hadn’t thrown herself on top of the alien, the rock would’ve hit Supergirl’s heart.

“Lena, stop this,” Andrea wept. “Is she worth your life? What are you, suicidal?” She unlodged the Kryptonite and Lena felt dizzy. Her vision was starting to blacken around the edges.

“Suicidal, huh?”

For the past year or so, yes. She was. It had been hard to come to terms with being depressed and wanting to die, but Lena had come to her senses. She still had a lot to do. And when Kara opened the door and let her in, Lena knew right away she wanted to live to try and mend their friendship. For the first time in a long time, she had hope. And it was because of Kara. It seemed fitting since she was the paragon of it, apparently.

Now, as she lay bleeding out on her friend, Lena realized how much she didn’t want to die. There were so many things she needed to tell Kara. So many things Lena wanted to do.

“I don’t want to die, Andy. But for Supergirl, I will.”

As if saying her name was a magic spell, Supergirl woke up. She looked up to see Andrea holding a piece of Kryptonite covered in blood. Covered in blood? That’s when she noticed the weight on her body. Lena Luthor lay, face down, on her while bleeding from her back. Andrea brought the piece down but Kara superspeed away. She laid Lena gently down on the ground and faced her opponent.

“What did you do to her?” All of Kara’s muscles were tensed, her fists shaking at her side. The edges of her vision were turning white. “What did you do to Lena?”

Andrea flinched. “She wouldn’t get out of the way. It’s like she has a death wish or something! I told her to move but she wouldn’t. They have my father, I had to do something!” Normally, hearing her boss ramble would make Kara laugh, but it only fueled her rage. Her vision was almost completely white now. She was doing her best to suppress her heat vision but it was proving difficult with Andrea’s useless excuses. “After they killed him, they would go for me next. I had to!”

“Supergirl!” She turned around, eyes glowing, chest heaving, body shaking with uncontrollable rage. “Supergirl?” Alex stepped back and put an arm to prevent Kelly from going any closer.

“You went to med school, right? You need to help Lena.” The rage seemed to slip out of her body all at once and was replaced with panic. “She’s bleeding out!” Supergirl sped to her friend and picked her body up. Her heartbeat was weak and she was mumbling incoherently.

Alex looked at Kara’s now wet eyes then down to Lena’s limp body. “Supergirl… I don’t know if I can do anything, truthfully. With the DEO gone, I don’t have a proper lab. These damages look too extensive for me to do-”

“No!” Kara shouted, jostling Lena. “She is not dying when I just got her back.” Supergirl flew out of the room, leaving Alex, Kelly, and a terrified Andrea. Realizing that it was just the three of them, Andrea used her powers to create a shadow and escape.

“I don’t know what just went down here, but I’ve never seen Kara like that. Ever.” Alex emphasized in incredulously.

“I hate to say it, but I’m scared of what would’ve happened if we were a minute late.”

Alex and Kelly exchanged uneasy looks. For Kara’s sake, they hoped Lena pulled through.

-

Lena woke up feeling sore. She opened her eyes to find she was in a dark room. She was hooked up to a heart monitor which beeped steadily. A blanket was laid on top of her. When she finally managed to pull it down, she noticed she was in a hospital gown. She hated hospitals.

“You’re awake.”

Lena turned her head to the right. Within the darkness, she was able to form the outline of a person sitting in a chair. She didn’t need the light to know who it was.

“How long?” Her voice was gruff and her throat itched when she spoke. Kara grabbed a cup of water and offered it to her. Lena took it while being very careful not to brush their fingers.

Kara didn’t seem to notice. “You went into surgery the other day. The nurses told me you’ve been in and out for a day now. I’m glad I was able to catch you this time.”

Lena drank her water but remained quiet. Kara took that as an invitation to speak.

“The doctors said you were malnourished and have been drinking a lot recently. They weren’t sure if you were going to pull through.” Lena pointedly looked away from Kara and instead looked at the IV that was in her hand. “They wanted to do a psych test on you, but I assured them everything was okay.” She hesitated. “Are you okay?”

Lena placed the empty cup on the table and closed her eyes. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Right, I totally get that, I do. But, this is your health, Lena. Something is wrong and I-”

“Kara.” Her voice was quiet and raspy but the alien heard it all the same. “I can’t right now, okay?”

“Okay. I should probably go.”

Lena turned her head back to the blonde woman. She couldn’t make out Kara’s facial features, but she did notice the super suit. “Thank you for stopping by.” There was a heavy pause. “You can come back again tomorrow if you want.”

“Okay. Uh, thank you. I hope you get better.” Then, in a blink of an eye, she was gone.

Lena laid alone in the empty room. She remembered fighting to stay awake, fighting to stay alive. But now that she was awake and she saw Kara sitting at her bedside in her super suit, the betrayal crashed over her once more sweeping her off her feet. Though, it didn’t hurt as much as it used to now that she had some perspective from Kara’s side.

A doctor walked into the room. “Supergirl let us know you were awake.” She stayed silent. “I’m just going to do a check-up.”

The doctor pulled the gown to the side and observed Lena’s stitches. Lena zoned out so she didn’t have to think about how effortlessly Andrea stabbed her. Twice. She wondered what the Lena of this Earth did that warranted such treatment from Andrea. Whatever it was better have been worth it.

“Ms. Luthor, I would like to have someone from the psych floor come check you out,” the doctor said slowly.

Lena huffed in annoyance. Why did people all of a sudden care about her? She was fine.

“Supergirl said I don’t need one. I’m fine.”

The doctor sighed. “Ms. Luthor, the tests don’t lie. Surely you know that. These numbers-”

“I want to be discharged as soon as possible and as discreetly as possible. If there’s a problem with that, bring it up with Supergirl.”

Yes, it was childish and cowardly of her to hide behind her former friend’s title, but Lena wanted to go home and drink a bottle of whiskey. The battle was far from over. Lex was still out there, so Lena had to be on top of her game. She didn’t need people pretending to care for her well-being. She was fine. There wasn’t even anything to worry about.

“Very well.” The doctor shook their head and exited the room.

Lena wanted to scream. Why did she fight to stay alive? Why did she pretend to think she’d ever tell Kara her true feelings? She was stupid. She should’ve snatched the Kryptonite and finished the job herself.

Lena closed her eyes and hoped they wouldn’t open again, even though she knew her prayers would go unanswered.

**Author's Note:**

> My favorite line was "Lena should’ve rejected Lex’s offer and joined the circus since she was such a clown."
> 
> Suicide prevention page right [here](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) just in case. Also, [Black Lives Matter.](https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/).
> 
> [My tumblr.](https://timelords-angel-is-sherlocked.tumblr.com/) Have a goodnight everyone and stay safe :)


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